Different Sorts of Hard

There are different sorts of hard. Answering someone's blanket goodwill question ''How are you doing?'' or, ''How are things going?'' is often not so simple as a blanket ''good'' or ''bad''. Take this week for example. Work was very busy, with lots of deadlines and some major shifts mid-week that made re-doing a lot of work necessary. But, it has been satisfying to work hard on these projects, and the office atmosphere and my mood about work was positive overall - point positive. Outside of work, I've been having enough good time with friends recently so I've getting enough social interaction - point positive.  

The ''hard'' part was that since Sunday, I've had migraine.

 The first one Sunday came on quick and hard, but I made it through teaching the kids at Sunday school during the last service at church just barely, and was able to rest most of the afternoon. It was still with me when I went to bed, and I stayed home Monday trying to recover. I don't know why this happens, but I will get strings of days where the migraine just won't go fully away, though the intensity may vary throughout the day. I get worn down by struggling to work normally when the migraine is unremitting. By the fourth day of it, Wednesday, I had to work hard not to snap at people, and I let the two women I work most closely know that I was struggling because of the pain and effects of the migraine, and asked their patience. Thursday morning was worse, and today was worse yet. My face, head, and neck muscles and pressure points ache and pulse and radiate heat. For several hours, any scent I encountered overwhelmed, voices clanged, walking downstairs dizzied my eyes, I had to marshall my forces to talk loudly enough to sound normal, my eyes flinched away from the small light given off an overcast sky, and smiling felt like carving a richtered deathmask.

As people asked me about my plans for the holiday weekend, and how the week had been, I mainly told the truth. That the week had been difficult because of migraines, and that I was hoping I could enjoy the holiday and not continue feeling sick. But, otherwise, things were going well, and I had a three day weekend to look forward to!

Often, I'm having a hard time because I'm lonely, full of angst, or have been upset by something that's happened. But, at the moment, I'm calm and my mind is at peace. It's the body that is not able to rest, that's not able to feel well and whole. It is a different sort of hard, being happy with things in the main, but at the same time to have this ever-mindful pain and discomfort.

I have a list of hopeful things I want to take care of this weekend. Maybe I will get to. Or, I may be stuck laying down with ice packs. Sometimes, I wish I had a set of visible gauges for people to see. One for how I'm doing emotionally, one socially, one spiritually, one physically (am I forgetting some?). Each would have a ''color'' thermometer running from grass green - fantastic! - through the shades to warning yellow - ailing but limping along - and all the way down to glaring red - emergency! And maybe also a kind of battery life indicator showing how long the current status has been going on or how much longer that state can be maintained before collapsing. Maybe then, this system could spit out a number averaging all my dashboards, to be the answer to how I'm doing, or how the week's been. It would report something like ''Tina's a 7.7 with 2 days till low power followed in 24 hours by desolation''.



Hats Make Me Happy

Hats Make Me Happy
An Easter Hat and Me

Step into my inner world.

Sometimes, I hesitate to share thoughts that flit and emotions that surge and wane. Yet I so value when my friends share these insights with me. I get to know them in a special way.

So I invite you to get to know me - or continue knowing me - through this space of exploration.

I promise to reveal some of the joys, fears, observations, profundity, and ironies of life that come to mind day by day.

Don't forget to share with me your own inner sphere!

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." - e.e. cummings